Monday, July 23, 2012

Bashing the heart up against a stiff rail

I can't say this to who I want to say it to. I want to, but I can't. Not because I'm afraid, or unable, but because I made a promise that I won't. So I won't. But it sucks, and hurts, and I still feel like I'm going to rip myself apart atom by atom. So I'm going to say it to the void of the internet. May it slowly decay into the detritus envelope of global data redundancies:

I loved you. I didn't love a second you, a you that was like you but not you. I loved you. I didn't love you because you were this way, or that way, or that you had this feature, or that one. I loved you. I loved you and I ended up playing rhetorical chess with the mindset of rhetorical rugby, a talentless Kasparov, all the fight none of the focus. I might not really matter, I probably don't, but if I don't its because I lost you and I'm worth about as much without you as these words (only the proximate value of their digital storage echo and the carbon footprint they ultimately imply), not because I didn't love you, because I did. For you. The you that, when you make tea and light candles and sit quietly, and you just are, that you. I remember that you, in every figuration and form you were the most amazing woman I had ever met in my entire life. I wish everything weren't fucked up. I wish everything weren't fucked up. I wish everything weren't fucked up. I wish everything weren't fucked up. I wish everything weren't fucked up. DATA CORRUPT <MISSING PACKET #4897>ERROR - PHYSICAL MEMORY DUMP (10%). . . (20%). . . (30%). . . (40%). . . (50%). . . (60%). . . (70%). . . (80%). . . (90%). . . (100%). . .

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